I’ve been carrying some toxic shame with me my entire life, unknowingly, after the abuse by my Granddad. The shame of feeling dirty, different, compliant, not protecting myself, the shame of being completely immobilised. I didn’t know that I felt like this until recently. I’ve always carried so much shame in me for past events,… Continue reading Toxic Shame
Shit, again. I was literally saying yesterday how amazing it is to not be severely triggered for a while and here I am again. I feel: small, vulnerable, shaken, controlled, not worthy of respect, and really fragile But its confusing, I know what got me here. But I can’t put my finger exactly on why.… Continue reading Triggered
Och, another big journey. I’ve moved house, working a second job and being unsettled in my relationship. I recognised with the help of my counsellor what I’m struggling with is putting my needs out there, what is ok and acceptable to ask for in relationships/friendships and so on. I don’t have experienced of this, it’s… Continue reading Processes of Healing
Life has been giving me lots of lessons at the moment. I’m stressed, confused at times and once again in a precarious living situation where someone is triggering me around abuse. Using their power relationship to make demands on me and not respecting me when I say no. I was triggered badly into panic for… Continue reading My Lessons
My old counselor had brought this up a few times before. I didn’t think it applied to me…. But I’ve been reflecting on how I hold in anger and other feelings, I carry the burden of being upset in case it affects others. I did this as a child, not telling people about the abuse.… Continue reading People Pleasing?
So I’m at a bit of a crisis point again, feeling really triggered and emotional. Waking up in tears, feeling like I can’t cope. My boyfriend is being supportive, and I have close friends that live far away. Even my boyfriend is over an hour and half away from me. I’ve been turning to him a… Continue reading Who to share with?
Woke up today after a nightmare. It was my Mum and my partner in my dream. My Mum is really inappropriate with men (and my partners). I’ve never called her on it as I would be made out to be a liar or crazy. I know this as every time I try to express my… Continue reading An insight into more confusion!