Hmmm, well this is a tough one. I have a massive well of emotions inside me which I’ve effectively hidden since around 12 years old (but possibly before as I have no memory of lots of my childhood) These emotions keep overwhelming me now (at 34 years old)… I was abused by my Grandfather and used to have to go to my Grandparents house every weekend and sometimes more often. I carried the burden of that very effectively as a child, putting myself last in all relationships. Caring more about not unsettling the status quo, and ruining what I used to think was a great family. I’ve now been in counselling for about 3 and a half years, and I now know this “great family” that are really close and care for each other to be a bit of a lie. The family has now broken down anyway, although I haven’t disclosed the abuse, other than to my Mum (who is no longer speaking to me – but that’s another story).
So, I think that’s a bit of a start….. is it? I’m hoping by starting to write things down I can start to let go of these pesky emotions that keep taking over my life now, making real life in the present on a range from: great and unaffected to desperate and overwhelmed. I’m hoping that if anyone reads this it might help them not to feel alone in their emotions, pain, hurt, shame, anger, guilt, frustration, isolation or anything else you might be feeling (for me the list is much more extensive than that). That hopefully by sharing my past I can start to let go of the fucking misery of carrying something that is exceedingly difficult to share (and as I’m realising needs to be shared with the right people in a direct relationship sense). But also by writing I hope to help myself understand myself and the abuse more, so that I can move on and stop letting the past overpower me. The rationale behind this is, only if I understand I can start to heal and let it go. It’s already been a massive journey in this respect, which is what I want to share. That, and my recovery going forwards.
The abuse doesn’t define me, but over recent years its taken a bigger role whilst I’ve been trying to deal with the emotional side, and understand why I find certain behaviours, responses and actions difficult to let go of. I’m finally realising I’m not crazy, or a bad person. This has taken ALOT of time. I’m starting to understand emotional triggers and flashbacks where you can’t visualise something but the feelings you have are so extreme you’re back to feeling like a vulnerable child. I’m understanding that I can’t rationalise these feelings away, they’re too deep – my adult self can’t seem to access them. I can rationalise til the cows come home, but depending on how bad the trigger I can be in circles emotionally for weeks. By the end I’m drained and completely exhausted. I don’t know how many people have this. It’s really difficult as there are some forums for sharing experiences but its hard to get a sense of what people are going through on a day to day level. So, here I am.