childhood sexual abuse

Confused and Fuzzy

So, I’ve realised I’m not really getting some of my needs met in my relationship. He’s a great guy and very loving and caring. He’s wants to be able to be there for me. The problem is because of the abuse in a relationship of “love” I’ve learned to put my feelings last. So if he is having a difficult time, or being emotionally triggered I immediately drop what I need (if i even recognised it in the first place) and respond to him.

I also recognise this isn’t his fault, he can’t make me realise what I need and put it first. I’m realising that for people who haven’t survived childhood abuse that’s what they do. They see their needs and articulate them! who would have thought it. Certainly not me. Obviously there will be some people that don’t but I think on the whole lots of people are trying to get their needs met, whereas my default is to meet others.

So, I’ve been a bit angry with him as now a few times he has been putting his needs before mine. Or not recognising me in the situation – just responding to his emotional triggers rather than what I need. The other day I got triggered by counselling and was feeling really unheard, angry and frustrated at my needs not having a place in the eyes of my abuser and my parents.I had a meeting where I thought I might have to put my thoughts on the line and I felt threatened, waiting to be belittled and rejected by those with more power than me. My partner didn’t respond to me feeling anxious and tried to brush it off , which then triggered me more as I felt even less like my feelings mattered. I can see how difficult this must be for him. In a relationship where things haven’t happened like have to me reassurance might work but for me its not reassurance – it’s being listened to and having my feelings validated…. but am I looking in the wrong place?

Can anyone other than me validate my feelings – no. I know they can’t. So why do I get so wound up when I feel invalidated? Well, years of invalidation I suppose. I’m really struggling this week, and have been since counselling last wednesday. All of this year I’ve felt and underlying frustration and anger which I’ve been aware of but unsure where it’s coming from. Is it this lifetime lack of not being heard, this inability to think of what I need…. I’m so desperately angry and upset by the way I’ve been treated by some people in my life that I find it so hard to let go of. These feelings I squashed down for such a long time are certainly coming up at the moment.

I’ve been feeling “good” on my scale of anxiety since the new year. The last week though has been tough. I had my first full on emotional flashback, which started with not feeling heard and put me in a tailspin the next day.  I went through self hate (which I’m still feeling now but less so), worthlessness, a real pig out stage where I wanted to use food to push down emotions. I feel like I’ve been fully in the ring, that I’m not moving forwards, that I’m disgusting, my body is disgusting, I don’t see my worth to anyone. I just see myself as a problem to everyone around me. I know this isn’t true, but right now that’s how I feel.

I woke up feeling angry, negative thoughts cursing through my head. I have no present day things to be angry at. I thought PMT was making this all worse, but that’s passed now. The feelings are still there. I’m struggling to work, I just feel low and lack energy. Everything is much more difficult than previous weeks. Dealing with certain relationships, i.e. friends that have hurt me, people that have unintentionally said the wrong thing. Everything feels much harder, like walking through glue. I’m starting to question, is this a depressive period? Do I need drugs. I’ve never been on medication before and have never considered it. I also know this will pass, but I think because I’m starting to pay attention to my feelings  – more than ever I can feel the highs and the lows.

It is frustrating, I feel like a cloud is in my head. I’m going to try and look after myself. Think of what I’d recommend a friend to do in my position. Keep doing my work today for a sense of achievement. Don’t take on extra stresses (which I had been considering today), do some gentle exercise (I have a cold so a run is off the menu), eat healthy foods, be kind to myself. Have baths, finish working at a reasonable time and watch a film/read books. I know it will pass. I felt good for a while last night and over the last few days. Its just so easy to forget that when you feel like this. Its so easy to think I’ve felt like this the whole week and I know its not true. I’m confused about how and what I feel, my head is a fuzzy cloud.

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