So I’m at a bit of a crisis point again, feeling really triggered and emotional. Waking up in tears, feeling like I can’t cope. My boyfriend is being supportive, and I have close friends that live far away. Even my boyfriend is over an hour and half away from me. I’ve been turning to him a lot the last few weeks on the phone, and recognise that this isn’t healthy for us in the long term, but the thought of having to confide in others again has been too much.
I know I need to get some local networks, I have friends here but no one that knows what I’m going though. But that putting myself on the line is tough. I spoke to my housemate just about being wound up yesterday, but my housemate is not supportive and I feel she is quite judgemental. She knows I’m having counselling, but not why (and is not keen to find out). That’s fine, but it means when I’m triggered I can’t talk to her as she doesn’t know what I’m going through, and is therefore judgemental about how I’m reacting which might be feeling more upset by something that most would.
But where do I go, my close friend in Germany I feel I always turn to when things are hard. I want to be there for her too, but I feel like I call more often when things are difficult. I do need some local support when I’m upset, need a chat. But it’s hard putting yourself in that vulnerable position again. I recognise I need to. I’m taking steps. It’s hard. I’m scared and feel vulnerable as I’m already triggered, but I feel I need to share and reach out.