My old counselor had brought this up a few times before. I didn’t think it applied to me…. But I’ve been reflecting on how I hold in anger and other feelings, I carry the burden of being upset in case it affects others. I did this as a child, not telling people about the abuse. Worrying that I’d ruin my family, and the relationship that I saw as perfect between them all, me on the outside not fitting properly into any of it. Not knowing my place in the world and never feeling secure. My parents reinforced this feeling, keep things in. Don’t show emotion. My mum always had to come first, my feelings didn’t count.
I didn’t realise how much I’d carried this through as an adult. People do things to hurt me and I worry about telling them in case I disturb the peace, upset them by telling them my emotions. I can be angry, wound up, upset… but not even know it. I can bury things so deep that I don’t even know what these feelings are myself.
I was angry at my partner, but I didn’t know. It just came out when we were talking about something. I wasn’t rude, reactionary or wound up. I just said, in fact yes I am angry with you. I only realised at that point. My partner said, it’s OK to be angry with me sometimes… it was a revelation. It is OK! who knew. This hiding my feelings to protect others at my expense is something I frequently do. It has to stop. But I’m now questioning where that line is?
When someone judges you and makes you upset should you say? Should you say when something small that someone does hurts you? I think there is a line in all of these things, and one that I’ve not worked out. I think it comes down to handling a situation gently – but in the past I’ve been too gentle. Still putting myself last, and in some cases getting walked over. All these things to work out, assess and manage feel exhausting at times. Like I’m on a constant wheel of thoughts going round and round.