childhood sexual abuse

Processes of Healing

Och, another big journey. I’ve moved house, working a second job and being unsettled in my relationship.

I recognised with the help of my counsellor what I’m struggling with is putting my needs out there, what is ok and acceptable to ask for in relationships/friendships and so on.

I don’t have experienced of this, it’s a blind spot and an area of massive confusion.

I’ve also just had a rough patch in my relationship because of this. We’re both triggering each other, I’ve just come off the phone, and again (3 nights in a row) the discussion is framed in the way of what have you achieved today. Which for me if I haven’t got everything done (on my usually huge list) is  a source of immediate inner critic. I don’t even hear  a voice, it’s just straight away a feeling of depression and sadness. Not being good enough, failing.

I recognise I need to not react to that in negative ways, I do however tell my partner that it makes me immediately start beating myself up. I’ve just discussed with him this week the pressure of the second job, feeling really stressed as I’m behind on my phd work – but he keeps going in asking things in ways that will push that button. I know part of it is me working on letting that go, I don’t need to be perfect.  I can be proud of myself not based on my achievements. But that will take time.

Part is him being sensitive to something we have discussed many many times before. He is struggling as he has his own set of issues, just unfortunately they are combining now and things keep coming to a head. I need to feel listened to and supported and like things are being addressed….. he wants to bury his head in the sand and is frequently defensive which often leads to him being belittling,

Can we navigate this together? both broken and trying to heal? I feel like I carry the relationship, deal with his/mine and our issues. I’m tired and we’ve spoke about it loads. He says he wants to change but doesn’t actively do anything. Then  the patterns repeat. I also don’t help these with my patterns but I need to start putting myself first, and stop excusing people on the basis of their issues. I need to understand more about the line between empathy and acceptance, and not standing up for what I need.

I realised I had put barriers up and stopped being so accepting, probably too much as I know he loves me. Which only made things worse. I’m now treading a fine line of how much upset is OK? what should I accept and what shouldn’t I. We have to accept each other, but not the things that hurt each other. What if the things that hurt each other are part of who we are?

My partner is hurt by my detachment, and that I don’t trust in his love for me. I always know that he loves me, just I can’t feel it sometimes. I disconnect, I’m present but unfeeling. That’s so hard for him. I will heal with that but it will take time – should he accept that? I’m trying to address it.

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