Shit, again. I was literally saying yesterday how amazing it is to not be severely triggered for a while and here I am again.
I feel: small, vulnerable, shaken, controlled, not worthy of respect, and really fragile
But its confusing, I know what got me here. But I can’t put my finger exactly on why. But I’m realising I’m trying to work it out and I just need to work on coming back. It’s so difficult, but I do feel more compassionate towards myself that this is a product of my abuse. I’m not being pathetic, not not coping. I’m feeling what I’ve buried in me.
This feeling of having to let loved ones treat you however they like to get your love, You only deserve love if you act a certain way, only happy feelings are OK, don’t say anything that might rock the boast, the lack of control in having to let family treat you however they want as a child or your the problem, not having boundaries and things you ask to/not to happen not being respected, a complete lack of control.
I started to feel out of control talking to my boyfriend last night. I love him more than anything (at times) but my disconnection is getting severe because he keeps not doing what he says. Sometimes its big sometimes its small. But often he gets defensive, and I’m being the problem because he doesn’t want my reaction, or to hear he’s let me down again (which then triggers me as I feel he’s trying to control my feelings to only be the positive ones he wants like my parents did, I’m not allowed to be upset when you do or say something that hurts me).
I understand his side, but I have an issue here in that I always understand their side. I understood my Grandad had a breakdown, and in my head I excused him as he didn’t really mean to abuse me sexually for years (what shit). I understand my mum has undiagnosed mental issues, also likely from a history of abuse but I was always forced to accept her side, her emotions always first before mine. Don’t do X that will upset your mother. In fact we have no relationship now because I’m not allowed to have valid reactions to things that hurt – like her trying it on with my partners, being abusive when she’s drunk, malicious comments. Its not OK for me in that relationship to say no to those things, just reinforcing the patterns of abuse and control. My ex- he’s depressed so he just can’t handle what I’m going through, so when I cry and he sits and picks his nails and looks disinterested, I accepted that…. I’m sick of the fact that I can be momentarily angry at these people but on a deep level I mitigate their behaviours because they’re having their own issues. Where do I come into this?
I realise I’m an adult and I’m allowed to protect myself, I’m allowed to be angry/upset and show emotion that isn’t happy when you hurt me. But I do still struggle with it.
So my argument with my partner last night I’ve split into 2. I’m triggered (a product of him denying my right to be upset by a repeated behaviour pattern) and 2 I need to deal with his shitty behaviours.
I’m so angry that the people that have hurt me in my life, but I want them in my life so much. Not my shitty ex. But my mum and my family. I miss having my parents in my life but I can only have them if I don’t raise issues and accept the unacceptable which just reinforces patterns for me. Getting stuck in not respecting myself. I miss my wider family, not my grandad as I I don’t want to be near him after how much he has fucked my life up. But the rest, my grandma, aunties and uncles.
I feel like people you love try to make you confirm to what they want you to be, either explicit or subconsciously. The problem is I can always see both sides….. I do that too. I want my partner to be a person that delivers on what he says but he isn’t that person. I want to not feel controlled into an emotion or having to not say something because he doesn’t want to hear I’m upset. But I recognise he doesn’t like it. Navigating a relationship with CPTSD is so difficult as my past emotions creep in when buttons are pushed, it clouds the now. I want to black and white think but I know that life isn’t good/bad, he isn;t right/wrong. Nothing is clear but I really want it to be.
But I am so proud of myself for noticing I was triggered. It did take me all night and morning in extreme tears feeling completely out of control, questioning whether my own behaviors are right or wrong, is he who I think he is (a common question in my chidhood – how do they love me and hurt me). When I recognised I was triggered was a relief. I feel like I can come back, and the noticing and dealing with it is quicker. But fucking exhausting. I was already tired without not sleeping much last night….I’m spent.