Ah. Well that wasn’t how I hoped. I fell straight into the taking all the blame to try and resolve conflict (my forced position as a child). I felt judged, I felt like my partner was playing the victim and not owning his behaviours while I hammed up my role and negatives in the relationship. Talking openly about what I do wrong, while he didn’t really talk much about that, just his submissive side (which he does have but a major root of our issues is his aggressiveness and defensiveness if I express that I don’t like something he has done).
This resulted in me feeling very wobbly.
At the weekend we had a mad weekend together of realisations. I realised that I persecute, when he doesn’t listen and refuses to accept how his actions have made me feel. That I need to change that. This validation, or lack of, is a life long pattern for me, people refusing to accept that I don’t like something so that they refuse the responsibility to stop doing it. From this hurt place I can repeat my side which only hurts me more as he is often still in his defensive place where there is no acceptance of me. It can be sparked from something tiny, and often I DO ask for something to change in the right way, but the response is shot down, belittled, aggressively responded to. Then I go back into child and try to get my needs met through my tears.
Despite these dramas that keep playing out, me trying to express myself and be heard (as I wasn’t as a child) and him getting defensive as he is expecting an attack (like his ex), we do love each other and it is a healing and loving relationship. Which I think is encouraging us to work through our individual issues. The hope was we might learn some tools to cope better with these positions in our relationship. As when I’m invalidated it pushes me, triggers me completely but he is already defensive and attacking so my childhood drama plays out.
However at the session last night, which was the introduction…, we may or may not go back. As I’ve realised that I come from an unhealthy place. I straight away put on the table all the things I do that are hard for him. How my disconnection when i feel hurt hurts him, how I find it hard to leave it when I feel invalidation (but recognise I need to talk when he has stopped being triggered himself), how I can say you hurt me (after pushed and invalidated) but the way I put this across without his admissions on his side in the same way made me feel like an abuser. I had in fact misrepresented myself, saying that I do some of these things without putting them in context. Yes these behaviours are not OK, but neither are the ones that produce these responses that were brushed over. Is coming at the form of counselling OK for past sufferers of childhood abuse, or is the osition blame, shame and guilt for your own behaviours?
I feel really uncomfortable now about the way I presented myself. And its making me question my partner more. I know his intention wasn’t to fully come at it from a victim position….but that was how it came across. He didn’t own and talk about his behaviors towards me like I spoke about mine. It wasn’t an even playing field. Also this brought in the judgement, and side taking aspect. Although I know the counselor wouldn’t take sides, but I misrepresented my own!! What a complete head fuck!
I spoke to my partner after the session, which was another row where I try and talk about how I feel and that ends in being tramped down because he is being defensive. But he said yes you do do some of these things but a tiny amount, and in response to being attacked but he didn’t say that in the session…. so why am I so quick to take the blame, hold my hands up. I keep cycling on that this morning. Is it my unhealthy abuse position where I blame myself for all issues? Also maybe because people have hurt me so much and refused to own that, I feel a duty to the people I love to accept the things I do wrong with open arms so they don’t have to go through what I have, the denial of my experiences and right to boundaries and feelings.
Would healthy people go into this talking about their wrongs when they are the one left in bits on a regular basis because of their partners actions….. I do feel like my partner has issues owning what he does, he doesn’t like it so wants to push it away but part of that is pushing away how I feel. I feel like we’ve sought each other out to resolve some of these issues, not to change the other person but to interact with things differently. But it has made me feel very wobbly about his role as victim/manipulator. Not because he went in there intentionally to create that, but for me I feel like that played out so still I don’t like it. My parents did the same, and my ex. They are perfect, I’m wrong/unhealthy/mental. Then it makes me question is it me, but how can people refusing to accept responsibility for their actions if they hurt me be OK. I would not unintentionally or intentionally hurt someone then refuse them the right to feel upset?
Its so hard, as its embedded in me that my feelings don’t matter. My parents refuse to accept any responsibility for things they have done to hurt me. My mum’s problems with alcohol, abusive and inappropriate behaviours. My dad as facilitator who if I say it hurt me the response is think of your mother. My ex who when I would admit doing something wrong in an arguement, or generally but he would refuse to admit his side. So maybe its pushed on that for me. Its not that my partner wouldn’t accept these things in the presence of someone else (he does on his own) its that he would need to build up this picture of himself to the other person as a “good person” first because of his self-esteem issues…. is that a problem!! As you can tell I’m so confused. But it is a play out of previous relationships…..I wasn’t expecting that.